What’s Going on in My Head?

It’s been tricky for me to figure out what to write another Blog about at this early stage…

My boat won’t arrive here until the end of Dec 2024, so I can’t talk at all about rowing on my 7m fiberglass home-from-home yet.

And that means that I can’t really talk about proper training yet, with any authority at all.

So, I made a little post on @justonemorerow.atlantic Instagram page today, asking for ideas, please, on what I can write about.

And this came up as a topic:

Well, thankfully, I am a bona fide expert at knowing how I’m feeling, so I’m going with this one!

How am I feeling?

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Rowing the Atlantic Solo

Honestly, it swings from huge excitement, to massive overwhelm, to guilt, and anxiety, and back again. And you can stir in a little wonder, fatigue and imposter-syndrome too.

If it was a pie chart…

Overwhelmed by the Preparations

The OVERWHELM comes from the gigantic list of stuff I need to do to make this adventure happen:

From the daily fitness regime, to the courses, the thousands of emails to send out to try to secure sponsorship, social media stuff (making reels, taking pics, posting to Insta, FB, YT, TikTok and then replying to comments), legal stuff, insurance stuff, medical stuff, travel stuff, getting all the stuff (the list is gigantic), working out a food plan, AND trying to get the business to a point where I can leave it for over two months while I go fanny about on the ocean.

Securing Sponsorship as a Solo Rower

The ANXIETY mainly comes from the money side of things if I’m honest. I’ve never asked for sponsorship before. I find it extremely uncomfortable. But also, I stay up worrying about not finding it, and having to potentially self-fund. Since I’m a Solo, the entire financial burden is on me, as well as finding the time to do everything, including fundraising. And I don’t get to whine about it to my team (so I’ll whine to you instead! 🤪).

Which neatly leads me to GUILT. For spending so much precious time on this thing, instead of with my family, or on the business. And for maybe putting unnecessary financial pressure on us. I know they’d never stand in my way, and actually, they are very excited for me and super SUPER supportive. But feeling guilty is hard-wired into my DNA. I just have to try to deal with it.

Embracing the Unknown

But thankfully, THANKFULLY, the biggest marble in my head is filled with excitement and wonder and curiosity. And that will keep me going. Along with my bulletproof stubborn streak.

I’m super super excited about SO MANY THINGS to do with this endeavour. I’ve already started to meet new people and make amazing new friends who are going through this same struggle.

I’m really looking forward to having a good reason to prioritise my health and fitness. Nothing like the fear of not making it to the other side to make you do your daily work outs!

I relish the idea of pushing myself into the unknown again – something I do frequently in my life - because it really makes me feel alive. And it keeps the “greener grass” demons at bay (something that’s not as much of a problem, the older I get, but is still always there).

And most of all, I’m SO SO SO excited to go spend some time with myself. Where I can’t escape myself.

I’ll turn 50 somewhere in that big ole ocean. I yearn for some time to just stop, reflect, appreciate. I am a fast-paced, thrill-seeking, sleep-is-for-the-dead kind of soul, who usually rests only when I’ve burnt myself out. I must be getting old or something, coz this time, I recognize that a good long soak in the salty tub will do me some good.

And look, when else would you EVER get to spend such a long time in (almost) pure isolation in today’s world? I am so friggin’ excited for it!!!! (And all the books, and singing as loud as I like, and the nudeness, and freedom!!)

What do I worry about?

Where to start. Shall I just type a list?

There are a couple of biggies. Aside from the money side of things (which is a constant knot in my stomach), the biggest for sure is the fear of rocking my sweet, sweet equilibrium.

My Biggest Worry:

How it will affect my relationship?

I don’t want to change anything in my marriage at all. I love my relationship with Darren more than anything in the world. My biggest fear is us somehow growing apart because I’ve changed.

BUT, I’ve spoken to lots of past rowers about this now. And those who had strong marriages/partnerships before they left found that their bonds had only strengthened and deepened after the row. So, I should not spend any more time worrying on this. Darren will be with me all the way. He probably will even succumb to putting WhatsApp on his phone, so I can chat with him every day I’m away.

He knows me better than anyone in the world, and knows about navigation, weather patterns, fixing stuff. He’ll never be far away (thanks, satellite comms).

And he will be running all the business bits that I normally take care of, so we’ll have plenty to talk about 😆.

“I love my relationship with Darren more than anything in the world.”

Other stuff I worry about:

240 Hours of Mandatory Solo ROWING Training

I’m worried about getting in all the necessary training hours in time for the start. This will be the first year where Atlantic Campaigns have raised mandatory training hours for Solo rowers to 240 hours, instead of the 120 it’s always been in the past. So, it’s going to mean finding more time in the next 12 months to squeeze it all in and make it count.

240 hours might not sound like a lot, but getting out there in open water off the British Isles depends so much on weather, tides, other marine traffic. I also need to have a couple of overnight stints out there, on my own.

But I think it’s a good thing to get me as drilled for the conditions as possible.

When I’m out there, I will be very, very sleep deprived a lot of the time. Layer that with some constant pain from muscles and blisters, and then sea sickness and 40 ft waves, maybe some hallucinations... It’s going to be super important to know my boat inside out, and for a lot of drills to become totally second nature.

The Dog - Baker Street

Whenever I go away, I miss the dog the most. If you have a dog, you’ll know what I mean. Not only do I miss him, but he misses me terribly too. And it makes me sad to think that I’ll make him sad, and not be able to explain what’s going on. Ugh – makes me well up just thinking about it!

“Whenever I go away, I miss the dog the most. If you have a dog, you’ll know what I mean.”

Also, my dog is a Great Dane who will be 3 ½ when I go row. The worst thing about GDs is their stupidly short life span. So, I’ll be missing out on a whole giant chunk of him. And I hope he won’t go too grey in the meantime.

The Business - TRIBE YARNS

I work so, so, so very hard on my little business – as do so many small business owners. I worry about it suffering while I’m away, especially with the pesky Instagram algorithm. I’ll make sure to find someone to handle the account while I can’t. And Darren and Yuliia will work super hard to fill my shoes, and make sure everything is ticking.

Really, this is one of my more minor worries. I know it’s in safe hands with Darren and Yuliia. Even Indi can pitch in sometimes between studies. And my customers are AWESOME. I know they’ll totally understand. So, this is more of a minor niggle, I guess. Wow – feels really good coming to this realisation!

The Danger - Potential Risks on the Open Ocean

Ok, so the proverbial elephant. Yes, there’s some danger involved in trying to cross an ocean, unsupported and alone. There will be things that are totally out of my control: like the weather, equipment failure and the Blue Marlin – to name a few.

Last Two Marlin Strike Photos Courtesy of Generation Gap

The blue marlin is actually my biggest fear. 😱 It’s not unusual for a row boat to be punctured by the spear of a marlin (as in the photo above). Reaching speeds of up to 60mph, and weighing up to 2,000lbs:

According to Charles Mather, in Billfish (Saltaire Publishing Ltd.), billfish have thrust their forward member into wood as deep as 22 inches and even pierced steel to a depth of 4 inches. Indeed, he offers a photo of a damaged bill that was pulled from a bale of raw rubber. More than a foot of bill had penetrated the rubber. Says Mather, “There is no bullet or projectile that can penetrate a floating bale of rubber [that] depth.”

If it punctures the boat, the worst case is it puncturing me too… So there’s that.

I will be fastidious about keeping the hull clean to dissuade an army of fish following me about to eat barnacles, and thereby becoming a bait-boat for the billfish.

After that, there’s the normal stuff:

Capsize (which will almost definitely happen, so I need to be great at securing stuff, clipping on, and closing hatches ALWAYS)🌊
Malfunctioning critical equipment: water maker, GPS, steering gear, whatever my audiobooks and music are stored on! 🧭
Collision with bigger boats 🚢
Chronic sea sickness 🤢
The resurgence of the dreaded Long Covid 😷
Injury 🤕
Panic when shit goes wrong (because it will, and I will need to stay calm)😬
Fire, lightening, pirates, poisoning, shark attacks, etc, etc, etc 🏴‍☠️

Embracing the Journey Ahead

But life is full of risks wherever you are. And although I’ll be alone, and missing my Darren, who is normally in charge of tidiness and fixing stuff and being a rock - at least I won’t have any murderous and mutinous crew to contend with 😆.

Oh, and I do worry about becoming a tiresome row-bore, so I try to not always talk about it (even though I really, really want to). And so, I thank you, for being my ear, and allowing me to share all the stuff. It’s huge for me.

So, there it is. You asked 🤷🏽‍♀️.

I reckon I’ll add to this list over time… Maybe there will be a “Where’s your head at – Part II”, or several regular updates to this topic.

I hope you enjoyed the read 😊.

Preparing Mentally for the World’s Toughest Row 2025